Joel's Deep Repressed Subconscious

Complementary life update

2011-05-03T23:12:00.000-04:00

I wrote a little thing for my family newsletter that I thought might be of benefit to those on the other side of my family and any friends, which also includes a little bit on how we decided to go car-free:

Here’s what’s going down in Bloomington—
I (Joel) have been on furlough from my job since January, and was recently dreading going back to work in May (because I hate that job with a passion—it’s just sitting in a cavernous room with other lowlifes power dialing old people and trying to sell this stupid thing called insurance—I seriously wish it was illegal to do and the Feds would board the place up to save other job-hungry introverts from falling for its $14/hr dangling carrot) when they called me up to announce that my furlough had been extended to September! After I finished listening to the Hallelujah chorus I realized I probably should get back to work on my years-long job hunt which never seems to be over and never will be.

In the mean time, I got a totally unrelated, unpaid and inaccessible internship in bustling Indianapolis, Indiana! You see, all of last year I took an online course to earn a post-bac certificate in Geographic Information Science (GIS) to learn how to use software that you have never heard of it but it’s legit because they use it at the city planning department where I got my internship.

To alleviate the sting of the hour-each way commute from Bloomington to Indy (that’s really what people say here to shorten polysyllabic Indianapolis and it never means the state of Indiana or something that is independent or Indiana Jones) the cool planners at my internship gave me a parking pass at nearby Conseco Fieldhouse parking garage. It’s where the Pacers play (not in the parking garage of course).
The only problem is that the ―car we had recently bought in August decided to breakdown after a couple weeks of commuting. To my surprise we actually got a little bit of money from the carcass of the car. I guess people like to torture themselves and get crappy nonfunctioning cars to work again.

So we did something that has never been done before in the history of AMERICA: we decided to cut cars out of our life. It’s been going strong now for a couple of weeks and we found out that your body actually does not need to refuel at $4/gallon, put up with $250/month payments and endless repairs to live a happy and productive life. I have especially noticed that my personal barometer of road rage has gone down lately, and I have been less prone to checking mirrors every five seconds and signaling when I change directions!

Seriously, we have the bus, the zipcar, friends who think we are crazy and have hit rock bottom but will give us a lift. Well, they’re right on both counts but rock bottom is a pretty awesome place to be sometimes. No place to go but…But then the hard drive on my computer crashed. That really made me reexamine my priorities because I think I have snuck into the generation that would rather have an iPod (thanks Mom!) than a car (thanks for never giving me one, Mom). I mean sure, we have a laptop too but what about when I want to watch semi-legal live Blazer games on the computer and play Scrabble on the laptop? You can see that I have a problem.

OK, enough about me, I will attempt to talk about Alyssa. This portion will assuredly be edited for content. Alyssa is still going to school for a dual degree in Art History and Library Science but lately has been debating dropping the Art History part because it ain’t as fun and probably has less upside potential and will take longer and these Indiana winters are brutal (that’s my opinion) but then she won yet another scholarship for being in the dual degree program (the check came in the mail today) so ethically should she stay in or still drop it plus she needs to maybe do an internship this summer and she got one in Portland right away because she is awesome and Portland is awesome and we/she’d love to see family who are sorta awesome but she also tried to just see if she could get this really prestigious and good career-move internship in the big APPLE (New York, that is) at the Frick Art Reference Library (that’s seriously what it’s called, it’s not someone messing up our last name) and of course (did I mention she’s awesome) she got that internship too but how is she going to live in New York and wouldn’t money be involved in that and then there’s another factor…

Godzilla-sized migraines!!! which by my latest studies are caused by stress and folk’s it’s a ticking time bomb—the more I force Alyssa to be a brazen careerist and ignore her biological and maternal clock the more likely her brain will explode and that’s no place to be.

Other than that we have been busy not taking pictures, not making babies, not answering any questions we raised in this update, and not making trips to Italy or Australia or Camas or Eagle (and –gulp!—hopefully not offending anyone).

The Ultimate Pro/Con List of Car Ownership

2011-04-21T15:18:00.000-04:00

Pro:

You can go wherever you want.
You can go whenever you want.
You can be cool.
You can transport a higher quantity of goods.
You have privacy.
You don't have to ride a bus with weirdos.

Cons:

You have to pay a car payment.
You have to pay for insurance.
You have to pay for repairs.
You have to pay for $4/gallon gas.
You may get stranded it the middle of nowhere and have to replace a flat in the rain.
You have to share the road with 16-year old girls, drunks and grandmas.
You have to scrape snow/ice off your car or be rich enough to have a garage.
You have to sit for hours on clogged highways and streets because everyone else is riding alone in a car or live so far away in the country that you have to drive for an hour into the city except once you get closer to the city all those people living out in the country are still using the same highways and streets.
You have to pay attention to a million things around you when you drive instead of sitting back and relaxing.
You support and contribute to a method of transportation which is relatively not as good for the environment as other means.
You support and contribute to a culture which encourages sprawl and suburbs and drive-thrus and strip malls and parking lots and asphalt and concrete and exhaust and highways that divide neighborhoods and cause the decay of inner cities.
You don't get to meet with people on public transportation.

and as always, my favorite con--

You are too empowered for your own good.

Here's a link I don't expect anyone to read because it's kinda TLDRish but it makes some good points about one of the things I discussed above, sprawl.

I dig revolting against cars, phase one in which Doris gets her oats

2011-04-03T14:53:00.001-04:00

Here are some of the early ways we are going to get around w/o a car:

I procured a carpool to my internship in Indy. This was the most crucial aspect of the revolt that needed to be in place, otherwise I would have needed to get another vehicle.
We have a bus that connects us to a lot of the things that we need to do in town, like going to campus or going to the store.
If we ever do need a car, we are setting up an account with Zipcar, a sweet car-sharing service.

Since we don’t have a car and I got a little compensation by selling my shell of a car, there is the opportunity to spend pennies for every dollar I would have spent on a car for other means of transportation. I still have to pay for gas for my carpool, but it is theoretically half of what I was spending before, plus less because we used to use our car for getting around town everyday.

The bus also has a $1 fare. That is only annoying because I need to be thinking about having coins or one dollar bills. I think it would be about $30 to get a monthly transit pass, but right now I don’t think I would ride the bus at least 30 times a month. My wife rides for free because she is a student.

Zipcar for us will be roughly $35 a year, plus $9 an hour we use the car. Gas is paid for, as is insurance. This is a lot cheaper than renting a car or of course owning a car.

I also want to link to a car revolt-friendly article each time I post. Streetfilms is putting up a series of videos called “Moving Beyond the Automobile.” Here is a video from the series.

Revolt against cars, week one

2011-03-31T22:25:00.001-04:00

Look, the way I figure it, I have only owned a car like 17% of my life. I have had access to a car to drive maybe 25% of my life. I might be a bit of a statistical anomaly compared to the average suburban American 29-year old male, which I would guess has owned/driven more than me. I did not get my license until I was 17, I did not drive for 2 years on my mish in Europe, and then I lived in a small college town for a couple more years before I decided I needed a car (I really didn’t).

So it really shouldn’t be that hard to live without a car. I’ve done it before. But before was the Czech Republic, where there are buses and trams and metros to rely on. Before I lived a block away from campus, a few blocks from the grocery, and I didn’t have a job nor a need to travel frequently outside my two-mile bubble.

Now will be more of a challenge. First of all, it’s not just me, I have my wife, who is remarkably tolerant of the idea of going car free. She was the one who pushed us over the edge when I was resigned to lassoing us further into debt with a massive car loan. Second, we live in a medium-sized American college town, except now we are far from campus and I’m not in school anymore. Third, I have become a fat slob and am accustomed to the enormous luxury of a personal vehicle.

That being said, I will admit that my anti-car roots have been forming the last few years. I have posted briefly before of my future utopia where we all live without cars. While that is unlikely to ever happen, I do think that at a glacial pace things may change.

I decided I wanted to make my personal journey without a car more of an interactive people for the two people who read my blog. So for the next little while, I will be blogging my experience without a car. I will relate the struggles. I will relate the joys. Stay tuned.

A year and three days later…

2011-01-15T12:42:00.001-05:00

I’m alive! The only thing that motivates me to write on this blog is to review books I have read this last year. Sometimes blogging strikes me as being sooo 2009, but I have got a bit of time on my hands so I might as well crack the whip. Maybe this will spark me to post more frequently.

I have noticed that I have about four or five general interests that all of my reading seems to consist of:

Sci-fi, especially over the last few years from the glorious Ms. LeGuin.
Russian Literature, especially from the 19th century.
Czech Literature
Dystopias/Utopias
Good LDS literature (stuff you actually have to look for, not usually found at your neighborhood Deseret Book)
and recently books dealing urban planning and transportation

I also occasionally dabble in classics or books that have won awards or new and notable books. That about covers it, now that it now includes almost every book ever written! But for the record, I do not prefer to read Romance, Westerns, most Young Adult, Mysteries, Thrillers, Belgian Literature, Self-helps, and Political stuff.

Books I actually finished:

The Dispossessed Ursula K. LeGuin

Worlds of Exile and Illusion Ursula K. LeGuin

UKL is I think I have to now admit is my ALL-TIME favorite science fiction author. Every time I pick up one of her books I am just blown away by her style of writing, her creative ideas, and a little of je ne sais quoi. Maybe it is because she is a female writing in a male-dominated field. Maybe it’s because she lives in Portland. When I am reading her books, it instills in me my egoizing desire to write an even better sci-fi book, which would be impossible. She really does take a fresh spin to sci-fi, focusing on social and cultural elements rather than scientific and adventure.

A Thousand Splendid Suns Khaled Hosseini

This is another great book by the author of The Kite Runner. It takes the reader deep into the awful, horrible world of women living in Afghanistan under shahs, mullahs, and the Taliban. It was a good book to read at work because it reminded me that there are places worse than work (I chose to read 1984 at work next for this very reason).

Freakonomics Steven D. Levitt

This is a work of nonfiction based on a blog that I frequently read. It tells the story of a rogue economist and some of his ideas that go against conventional wisdom, such as: the biggest reason crime dropped so significantly in the 1990s was because so many would-be criminals were aborted fetuses, and how your name can affect how people look at you in your life and can affect if you get a job or not. Good thing I have a strong Hebrew name like Joel. I did enjoy reading this book. It’s really hard to prove that anything really happens because of something else, and it’s also easy to prove anything when you meddle enough with the stats.

Bright Angels and Familiars Eugene England

Canyons of Grace Levi Peterson

The first book is the seminal collection of quality LDS literary short fiction. Almost every story in here is very well-written. This book provided the jumping off point for me looking into some new authors, such as Levi Peterson. Let me just say it is refreshing to read stories about my own culture, my own people that deal with the whole range of human emotions and experience. Most LDS fiction gets a deservedly bad rap, but these books offer a glimmer of hope.

The Golden Age Michal Ajvaz

This book is written by a Czech author and tells the story of a fictional island nation. But the book does not really have a story per se, it just tells all about this people, their culture, and about a stranger visiting it. Why does a story need a plot, anyhow? This book proved to me that it is possible to just write a descriptive novel, full of great ideas but lacking the rigid plot format that English teachers insist every book must have.

Green Metropolis: Why Living Smaller, Living Closer, and Driving Less are the Keys to Sustainability David Owen

I just read that the word “sustainability” was voted the most jargony word of 2010. No one knows what it really means anymore. Anybody can claim that they are sustainable. This nonfiction book is basically a collection of essays explaining that the most energy-efficient places are actually the most densely populated places, not far-flung country dwellers who live off of solar power. His arguments made sense to me, but I of course agreed with him before I even started reading it.

Time Traveler’s Wife Audrey Niffenegger

Alyssa read this book first, said she didn’t really like it, and going against her judgment I read it anyway. Mostly because it’s about time traveling, something which I have looked into myself. It’s a so-so book, she was right. I sorta never really actually liked either of the two selfish main characters.

Blazermania Wayne Thompson

Dad got me this awesome coffee table book, replete with color pictures depicting the history of the greatest basketball team ever. I devoured it instantly. RIP CITY!

Didn’t finish:

The Scar China Mieville

Good book. Probably the most bizarrely creative book I read all year. I got it from the library, and couldn’t finish it in time. I want to read more of Mieville in the future.

Altered Carbon Richard Morgan

This was also from the library, bizarrely creative, but it wasn’t doing it for me.

Earthsea Ursula K. LeGuin

Alyssa and I have been trying to read this book together for about a year, and we are not very diligent at it. It is LeGuin, I know, but it is fantasy instead of sci-fi and I like it but don’t love it like the rest of her oeuvre.

Already read, wanted to read again:

1984 George Orwell

Self-explanatory.

Referenced in my book review last year:

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay Michael Chabon

I liked it but couldn’t finish it. I lost interest.

How We Are Hungry Dave Eggers

I read all of this. It’s a collection of short stories that I have now all forgotten.

The Natural Bernard Malamud

I mentioned this in my last book review, and I how I didn’t really like it and like the movie a whole lot better. That was before I read the novel’s ending, which is a lot more tragic than the movie. And…I actually loved the original ending because it made me really think of how much of a jerk Roy Hobbes really was (at least in the novel, but it is there a little in the movie too) thus turning my world as I know it upside-down.

Books I’m currently reading:

An American Tragedy Theodore Dreiser

Dispensation: Latter-day Fiction Angela Hallstrom

The BLDBLOG Book Geoffrey Manaugh

Books on the docket:

Shine: An Anthology of Optimistic SF Jetse de Vries

Judge on Trial Ivan Klima

The Gulag Archipelago Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

All movies seen since Christmas, reviewed.

2010-01-12T18:07:00.000-05:00

Preface
Unbeknownst to you—and for that matter—me, I am also a movie critic. And you can’t spell criticize without critic! I think some reviewers forget this, but not me. It’s pretty safe, since I will admit up front that most movies are awful and I wish I didn’t spend so much time watching them but I blame it on society and the devil so I am exonerated from all charges and can now freely watch all the movies I possibly can with the caveat that I will snarkily comment on all their perceived failures and denigrate their creative time and effort!
To rate movies I will use my patented “outrageous number/ridiculous movie-related object combo” which will absolutely not stand up to any scrutiny or comparison.

(Theater)
Fantastic Mr. Fox
At first I was bitter at seeing another “kid’s movie” in the theater, because the last movie I saw was Where The Wild Things Are. I enjoyed the former movie more. It is funny. It is cool looking. In fact, it reminds me of how a Roald Dahl book should look. The humor is an acquired taste, but I had already acquired it half of the way in.
Rating: 56 Boggises, Bunces and Beans

(on video)
The City of Ember
Again, another kid’s movie. And again, I was pleasantly surprised. The premise reminds me a lot of The Giver (which for some reason hasn’t been made into a movie) although there are some cheesy parts. It is kinda creepy, which I don’t think a lot of movies can do to me.
Rating: 200 Builders

After the Wedding
This is a Danish foreign film that reminds you how good non-Hollywood movies can be, just by mixing in something different like—I don’t know—an unhappy ending and morally ambiguous characters! You know characters you can’t tell if they are good or bad, then they are good again and I’m all like huh? Kinda like real life. That is, if I lived in Denmark and I went to a wedding party and found out the bride was my daughter and her stepdad was dying and wanted me to marry his wife (your ex-lover). Oh yeah, spoiler alert. Oops.
Rating: 1,024 Honeymoons

Ivanhoe
Sheesh, all that introductory rambling and I still haven’t excoriated a movie! Sorry, Mom, but this movie is downright silly. And I think unintentionally so. It was a TV movie, granted, but I’ve seen better. I hope the book isn’t this bad.
Rating: 2 lances

Twilight
If there is any more written about this movie or these books, the Internet will literally need to have a stake driven through its heart or be shot by a silver bullet or else it will start to suggestively force adolescent sex on you.
Rating: 9 man vampire infield and outfield

(already seen, but recently reseen)
Breach
Rating: $3-4 billion lost in Government Intelligence
Catch Me If You Can
Rating: 3,000 bounced checks
The Three Amigos
Rating: 20 plethoras of pinatas

My formula for deciding when I can put down a book

2010-01-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

How accessible and attention-grabbing do books need to be? My personal theory of literature (credentials, B.S. in English, BYUI; future prolific author; extensively read--including War and Peace, James and the Giant Peach, and Reader’s Digest) dictates that the very best works would of course have interesting openings. In practice, however, how many times do I nab a supposed classic and find myself snoring through hundreds of pages of absolutely unADHD-friendly delayed gratification? Look, if we want and expect kids to keep reading for the sake of reading (perhaps a faulty premise), we need to feed them more saccharine laced fluff more along the lines of Twilight, Goosebumps and Everyone Poops!
I have extra power such as pride and guilt that gets me through some of the most mundane novels, but we all know kids nowadays (and adults too) can’t be trusted to possess such valuable attributes. It would be nice to know that you gave a book your best effort and at the same time remove the stigma of leaving a book unfinished. Therefore I determined that I personally would develop a formula for when I could put down a novel with a dragging plotline and still maintain a modicum of respectability.
At first I thought I might settle on an arbitrary number, such as one-hundred pages in. But that is unfair to longer books, so then I decided that it must be a percentage. Of course there are books that reward you for sticking around, but there are also clunkers that leave you scratching your head, wondering why you wasted so much time. I feel that if you read half of a book, you should be moderately far into a plot by then, so that would be too far and too much reading to set as a benchmark. A quarter of a book is more reasonable, but I am a literary snob so I will err on the side of the author and compromise with 33%. Think it out: if a book does not speak to you on some level after a third has been read, you can safely put it down. It’s fair. It’s only right.
Then I got to thinking that I need to have a reason to put the book down, more complex than that it is simply too boring. So I devised this protocol: after 11% of the book has been read and there is any tangible feeling that I do not want to continue (manifested by yawns, periods of two days or longer of inactivity, or rampant debauchery) I will draft a first warning that details the setting, plot and characters; after 22% of the book has been read and the feeling continues I will draft a similar warning along with any additional developments, and then at the 33% mark I will write a third and final summary, after which I can safely determine that the book is too boring and I can move on. Now, if the first feeling that I want to quit is after the 33% mark, only one report is needed. The same rule applies if the first feeling of quitting is between the 22% and 33% marks, except only two reports are needed. If these rules are followed, all feelings of guilt will be expunged and all pride will be upheld. If these rules are broken, guilt shall be doubled and pride will be taken away, even that which I already have.

Joel's consumer power, vol. 23: Overcoming planned obsolescence in your life

2010-01-07T15:20:00.001-05:00

You know planned obsolescence. It’s everywhere. You need to buy a new computer every two years. You need to get a new cell phone every two years. It’s when designers intentionally limit the effectiveness of their products so that you will buy more of them. In the case of technology, they are supposedly getting better and better so that when you buy a computer it is quickly obsolete.

The worst culprit of all: disposable shaving, and more specifically, the Gillette corporation. They had me duped for years, buying their el cheapo Mach 3 starter kits and then stealing out of my back pocket with their replacement blades that are so expensive even companies that sell bottled water think they are out of line. And then, do you know how long those blades last? Guess. They are scraping the very skin off of your face on the fourth day.

The worst part of this whole thing was that I used to be a champion of the Mach 3. I remember singing its praises: “Those three blades are so smooth when you haven’t shaved for a few days” and “I love Mach 3 so much I would literally shave myself while flying a fighter plane that was going Mach 3, in a World War II dogfight.” I was in bed with Gillette, in bed!

It might have been my imagination, but I think the folks in Gillette’s uber-secret design department gradually cranked up the planned obsolescence over the last few years, so slowly that no one would notice. You know, like the frog in boiling water. “Maybe we can get it so that they will buy a new blade every day,” I imagine them saying.

Now, people have been shaving for centuries. They have not always used Mach 3 blades. I started looking into alternative shaving methods, which abound on the Internet. Just Google it, there are a lot of cool ideas, like towel-blotting the razor so it doesn’t get wet (which supposedly stops the blades from going dull), to dipping your blade in rubbing alcohol or mineral oil, to using a double-edged straight razor old school style.

I tried keeping the Mach 3 from getting wet, and I tried dipping it in rubbing alcohol, but for me, it just made me feel like a bigger fool. I still would cut up my face until I would give in and put on a new razor.

In short, life was miserable, and it was because of shaving. Now, some of you may be wondering, why doesn’t he get an electric razor? Well, I had some long standing biases against electric razors, but as you will see, they ultimately become my salvation. They don’t have as close of a shave as a new Mach 3, and it doesn’t feel as effective at first, and of course they are a bigger up front cost.

My wife, much smarter than I, purchased one for me for Christmas. I immediately loved my new toy. It’s so sleek and sexy. I don’t need to shave in the bathroom. I don’t need to get wet to shave. It doesn’t hurt to shave. The blades (so far) still work after a couple of weeks, and they supposedly will work for an entire year. Yes, it might take a bit longer to shave than it used to, but that is totally cancelled out by a completely unforeseen factor: I look forward to shaving! It is so fun now!

And thus we see that by clever design Joel was able to overcome planned obsolescence in his life through the providence of his loving wife, which is truly “the best a man can get.”

A few recent events…

2009-12-09T13:06:00.001-05:00

I’m not sure if I want to keep posting this blog or to Alyssa’s, or both. I am giving myself a decision period of 45 days.

We got a new computer. It’s an Quadcore HP Pavilion with 6GB RAM, 640 GB Hard Drive, Windows 7, Monitor and Printer. It’s an early Christmas present. Alyssa sneaked it out of Office Depot on Black Friday.
I am enrolled in a online course to receive a post-baccalaureate certificate in Geographic and Information Systems from Penn State. (This was a major reason to get a spankin’ new computer, and Alyssa fell for it!)
I got a job. It is dangerous to say anything about one’s job on the Internet. Suffice it to say that I work for an anonymous company that pays me money, and that I am not doing anything illegal nor indecent.
I am going to a Blazer game tonight. Here’s the twist—it’s in Indiana! I am excited. I penciled it on the calendar before we even moved here, because it only happens once a year, like your birthday and the number of times you think about income taxes.
In fact, I got this whole day off, and I’m getting paid for it. I cleaned this morning, wrapped a present and am going to run a few errands before tonight’s game.

Joel Feik, We Are Offering You A Great Work-From-Home Job Where You Can Earn Over $100,000/Year!!!

2009-10-24T09:20:00.000-04:00

I don't think we as a society are quite to the point where we can all work from home and make tons of money, although I for one would welcome this. Since as a side job I am a futurist, I know that there will be a period from 2017-2033 where work-from-home jobs will be held in high esteem and over half of the US population will telecommute in their jammies. This of course predates the eventual abolition of all labor starting 2034ish, which comes about threefold: increased robotization, the changeover to an energy-based currency, and the recreation subsidies.

For now though we must wade through piles of spam and scam trying to pluck out the real jobs when we apply on the Internet. I bet there are more fake jobs listed than real ones, if we take the aggregate total of Internet job listings everyday. This is excellent news for the fake jobs economy, which unfortunately has no real effect on the real world. It is good however for fake people, who are more in abundance than you would think.

Sometimes I wonder if I am deluding myself as to whether I am fake or real. Judging by the amount of fake job offers I get, I could be persuaded that I am fake. When did this happen? But seriously, maybe if I switched over to this fake economy I would be better off.

Hiding on the side of your Gmail is an outlet to this parallel fakeverse. It is the Spam filter. You thought you were getting enough fake job offers? I dare you to take a peek in this filter, but first avert your eyes. This is where the fake job offers reside that obviously aren't trying very hard to be real. A few highlights: multiple e-mails addressed from a MARK HANCOCK that are exactly the same except that they are always signed from a different person, multiple e-mails from the same "company" that loves to use size 28 font, e-mail job offerings that have unsubscribe links, e-mails that don't mention the name of the company, e-mails that use bad grammar, and e-mails that offer to save you money.

I actually like to check the Spam filter. I get excited to see if my fake friends have been thinking of me. I am tempted to de-spam all of them, so that they show up in my regular inbox. Wouldn't you love to have fake friends that never bug you (except with phony e-mails) and that you never have to do anything for?

Look, we all have pseudo-fake friends on Facebook. Just take the next logical step into the blindness. Embrace the scam.

Inspired ideas that fall outside of my stewardship

2009-10-08T21:15:00.000-04:00

Occasionally, I have ideas that I think could change the world and make everything better--or I have ideas that would make a certain specialized thing better. Unfortunately I usually have ideas that I have no control over nor any influence. When it comes to some of my religious ideas, we have a nice concept in the church called stewardship. To the best of my understanding, we use this term in the church to explain the principle that everyone is entitled to personal revelation as well as revelation for those people and things over which they have authority. It prevents people from having revelations for the whole church unless they are the prophet.

For example, I have previously discussed my idea that missionaries should be called to their mission when they are a lot younger. It would be so cool, but I don't think the prophet is taking open suggestions on how to radically change the mission program of the church, because of that pesky stewardship clause. It makes me wonder, is my inspiration from the devil? Why did I get it, and not the prophet? Oh well.

Fear not; I also have many other impractical and hare-brained ideas to reform the church, the NBA, computer games, world hunger, our nation's clogged highways, and the electoral process, to name a few. Here's a quick fly-by:

Why can't men in the church have homemaking or enrichment or book clubs or whatever it is the women do? Exactly, there's no reason. Also, I had a lot of great ideas for singles wards, more specifically the singles ward I was in. Except now I've joined the dark side of being married and feel an irresistible urge to shun all single members and treat them as an awkward disease...
I have a cool idea to prevent lottery-bound teams in the NBA from purposefully losing games to try and get a higher pick. Once a team has been eliminated mathematically from making the playoffs, the teams go into a consolation playoff after the regular season with the seedings based on the records they had in the last 10 games of the regular season. The winner of these playoffs gets first pick with the runner up getting second, etc. It rewards teams that are still trying while not overly penalizing teams that just are horrible and deserve a good pick.
My favorite computer game franchises, Civilization and SimCity, both could be a lot cooler if they had a multiplayer option for collaborative play. This would allow players to micromanage some aspect of the same civilization or city. The players would be on the same team, have the same ultimate goals, but have their own duties and responsibilities. In Civ, one player could be the defense minister, another the science minister, another the foreign advisor, another a provincial governor, etc. In SimCity, different players could be in charge of Education or Public Safety or Transportation or Zoning. I can't believe I'm letting this idea out, it could be worth millions.
To solve world hunger, we can just make food out of the people who die. Plus, the state of Indiana could feed the whole world, if the world always wanted corn.
We could get rid of the nation's clogged highways if we scrapped our entire car-based paradigm and switched over to rail and bikes! Cars are unsafe, expensive, ugly, polluting, and most importantly, too self-empowering.
It is well established that I champion the idea of an overhaul of the current electoral process in favor of a compulsory Internet voting system that removes middlemen representatives and senators. The day of true democracy is now within our grasp, people! Technology has provided a way to bring us back to the glory of our ancient Greek ideals! We need not disenfranchise ourselves by outsourcing our vote to a politician who has their own selfish aims at heart! We need not be ashamed that we have no land, the wrong age, the wrong skin color, the wrong gender! We all can vote on every issue! What, I say, is holding us back from our destiny?!

Books exorcising my weak-willed imagination, vol. 1

2009-10-05T21:54:00.000-04:00

Here is what I have read or attempted to read since I got married, starting with books I finished or gave up on:

Moby Dick by Herman Melville
Probably less than 25% Completed.
Alyssa and I were reading this together for months, even before we got married. It's a big book. It was easier than I thought it would be to get into it, but it was even easier to get out. Did I say it's big? Cool writing style. I wish I liked whales and the sea and stuff.
Rating: 3 Headhunters

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
100% completed.
I have a soft spot in my heart called russkyus literaturus and I have an imaginary quota to fill. I was curious about ol' Solzhenitsyn and I gave this book a whirl. It's about a guy serving in a Stalinist work camp. Not fun. It convinced me that it would be miserable. It was kinda miserable to read too. It's not Tolstoy or even Dostoevsky.
Rating: 16 Babushkas

American Pastoral by Philip Roth

100% completed.
I haven't read any Roth before, and I was wondering what the deal was about that, so I read this. It's about this star athlete who has a charmed life who has this crazy daughter who is a terrorist and opposite in every way. It is high on writing style, high on character, maybe a little lower on plot. Would I recommend it to my Mom? No. Heck, I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone.
Rating: 5 yarmulkes

The Bridge of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder
100% completed
Five travelers fall to their deaths when an old rope bridge in Peru mysteriously breaks. Was it some divine fate or just a coincidence? SPOILER! That question remains unresolved. We get a peek into the lives of each of the doomed characters. This book had a very high literary style that tickled my literary bone. The characters were very well-developed as well as their stories. It's a book I feel I need to read again.
Rating: 5 million sombreros

We by Yevgeny Zamyatin
100% complete
I love a good dystopia. I even love a bad dystopia. This combined my Russian fix with my dystopic fix, and let me tell you, it went down smooth. It's one of the first dystopias, predating all of your piddly 1984s and Brave New Worlds. In a world where everything is scheduled out down to the number of bites it takes to swallow breakfast, how could anything ever go wrong? Oh man, things sure go wrong. I couldn't put this book down for the first 100 pages, then I started to put it down some but I still read it in like three days. My second recommendation.
Rating: 73 Department of Redundancy Depepartments

The Telling by Ursula K. LeGuin
100% complete
Even though We is sci-fi, I needed an even purer shot, because I thrive on performance-enhancing books. I also read this with Alyssa, who was enthralled at reading her first LeGuin. If you haven't already read her work, why haven't you? This was my second after LHOD (abbreviations make me sound cooler) and I again enjoyed her feminine, social science approach to sci-fi. In fact, I like her ideas the most, but I wouldn't say the plot nor characters nor style were that great.
Rating: 33 ansibles

Now here are some books I am in a partial state of undressing:

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
about 25% complete
I snagged this book as well as a book of critical essays about this book, ready to swig some turn-o'-the-century Irish kunstlerroman, get hungover, vomit, and then examine the contents of the vomit. But, blimey, I am having a hard time getting into it. You have tricked me again, every list I have ever seen of the best books ever written! I am enjoying the critical essays more than the book so far, but I haven't given up hope yet.

The Natural by Bernard Malamud
about 75% complete
When this book walks down the street, do people say, "there goes the best book there ever was?" Um, no, they don't. And books don't walk. I do feel like I am breaking a personal vow to never see a movie and then read the book, but we got this book for really cheap at a Red Cross Charity Booksale, and I could hear it calling my name. So I read it and was immediately drawn in because of the familiarity of the story, but after settling in I realized that I actually liked the movie better and I think this Malamud was a bad writer and somehow he got lucky and they made a cool movie about his kinda dumb book.

Dombey and Son by Charles Dickens
about 5% complete
Too early to tell. Dickens stories have some pretty great expectations from me.

On the Docket:
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
How We Are Hungry by Dave Eggers
something by Faulkner

A date with Cappy makes me happy

2009-10-03T09:36:00.000-04:00

Alyssa asked me why I capitalized the second word of the title of my last post, and postulated that I just like to randomly capitalize words that I think are important, like the British sometimes do. And my Answer was that I would Never consciously do Something like that.

Here is a recap of last night's date:

we went to Target. That was the date. What? Don't act like it's not an awesome date.
we had over $100 left on our gift card, and it was literally burning a hole in my wallet.
Here are some highlights of our big subsidized spending spree (in order of importance):

Hershey's Bar with Almonds
a new blender I call the Blenderbuss (we were blenderless)!
a new 11 piece set of casserole dishes!
granola bars
pasta and sauce
nylons

Here are some of the lowlights:

a comforter that couldn't comfort the most comfortable person ever to have been comforted
we couldn't find any raspberry balsamic oil (you know, to lure fruit flies)

and other things were purchased, and we still have $20 left!
then we went to Borders and snooped around, buying nothing.
We switched through a couple musicals before ultimately watching old Mr. Rogers clips.

Are Interpretations created in the mind or do they exist on their own?

2009-10-01T16:12:00.000-04:00

A great philosophical rift opened between me and my wife last night as we lay trying to go to sleep. I don't know how we didn't discover this sooner: I am a true-blue, through-and-through metaphysicist while she is a staunch materialist.

This argument got started while discussing possible interpretations of Rosenquist's "I Love You with My Ford" (pictured above). I offered up that to me, it was a tripartite flag (in the style of Germany's) representing the nation of pop art.

Then she said something, I wasn't really paying attention, but our conversation hit on the requisite salient points:

my interpretation was silly;
there is no correct interpretation;
if we knew what Rosenquist said about this work it still wouldn't be the correct interpretation;
there are a lot of possible interpretations;

at which point a point of contention arose: how many possible interpretations are there? She said something to the effect that as soon as someone thinks of one with their mind, there is born another interpretation. I countered by saying that the interpretations exist before anyone even thinks of them. Not only that, but there are an infinite number of interpretations.

She bristled at my theory. She asked "how can an interpretation exist without a mind to think it?" I said that "there were an infinite number of interpretations possible the moment it was created" which I later amended to "even before it was created there were an infinite number of interpretations."

Well, as you can see we were clearly going deep dish. She stuck to her guns, I stuck to mine. It was a long war of attrition, but we realized that she dwells among the world of tangible things while I am adrift in the world of ideas.

No insults were thrown, except she called me "Platonic" which I took as a compliment, and I lovingly called her a "flesh-and-blood pragmatist wretch" and then we started talking about the chronology of the Indiana Jones movies somehow.

If you are curious as to the answer to the question contained in the title of the post, it turns out we are both wrong--interpretations are neither created in the mind nor do they exist on their own. They are actually sentient (yet mindless) non-existential beings called Golliwogs that are invisible to all five senses and only can be briefly found in paradoxical situations such as double negative sentences (I do not not exist) and certain M.C. Escher drawings.

Go East, Young Man

2009-09-02T11:06:00.000-04:00

A week and a half ago, I took a long road trip with my wife out to Indiana. I got to see all of my siblings in a span of three days. I went further away from home that I had ever been. Err--I guess that's not true. Here is a recap:

Day One

Vancouver, WA to Eagle, ID.
400ish miles, 6 and a half hours.

This is a trek I have been on often. Not much to say. I tried not to notice how beautiful it was. We stopped in Arlington, as is mandatory. Lunchables. Gazebo. Wasps. I learned on NPR the other day that the bee-like looking things that bother you when you picnic are not bees. Bees wouldn't do that. They are probably wasps. I hadn't had Lunchables for a long time, but I guess nothing really stops me from picking them up at the store.

We met up with Adam at Kyler's football practice. Then we had pizza. Then we left the next morning.

Day Two

Eagle, ID to Salt Lake City, UT
350ish miles, 5 and a half hours.

More of Idaho, and again, already-trodden land. Much as Alyssa was dreading heading into Utah, we had to do it. We did avoid Provo though. We stayed in a swanky Bed-and-Breakfast in downtown SLC that Alyssa's aunt put up for us. We went to the temple, LIVE! Then we saw Jessica (it was not accidental). We ate the Lion House. I had pot roast. Yummers. Then we played pool.

Day Three

Salt Lake City, UT to Omaha, NE

930ish miles. 13 and half hours.

Epic day. We awoke at the crack of dawn, too early for our complimentary breakfast. Headed out over the Rockies, with the blazing rising sun in our eyes. Wyoming was mostly signs for Little America, a truck stop. Once we passed Cheyenne, it was untrodden territory for me. By the time we reached Nebraska, we were already scouring the atlas feverishly for the next interesting thing to come up. "Look, we are about to pass into a new county!" or my favorite, "Only 7 miles until we pass the unpaved road."

At the first rest area in Nebraska, a nice lady told us it was still like 9 hours until Omaha. With our heads hung, we drove and watched as cornfields filled our view--cornfields that fill up Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana--in fact, now that I think about it, we are still in the midst of cornfields.

We passed glorious Lincoln in the evening dark and finally made it to Omaha. We stayed with my mission bud Randy. Talked about the mish. Alyssa sat there patiently, probably dead tired as we laughed about the silly things we did.

Day Four

Omaha, NE to Bloomington, IN

630ish miles 10 and a half hours

We had to get up super early so we could get to Bloomington (I want to shorten Bloomington to 'The Ming', you know in the style of Vancouver> 'The Couv') by 6 so we could meet our landlord and get into our house. After the previous day's marathon, 600 miles seemed like nothing. We first crossed over the Missouri River into Council Bluffs, Iowa. As the sun rose over us, we were greeted by the rolling hills of Iowa. In all, the Midwest as I have seen it has been more rolling than flat. I was expecting flat, and I'm getting more curves, to be honest.

In Des Moines, we had the closest thing to a crisis. I mean, the odds are, on such a long trip, there has to be something, right? Alyssa was napping as I was stunned by the booming metropolis of Des Moines, and all of its confusing freeways. Right before my eyes I saw myself veering off onto another freeway when all my mind was thinking, "80. 80. Stay on 80." I mean, we had to stay on I-80 for over 1000 miles--it was the bulk of our trip. Not too hard, huh? But I started to take another freeway, and then realized my error and tried to pull over onto 80, but I took it a bit too late and the car went off the roadway, hit a pothole, bottomed out and woke Alyssa up. In hindsight, it wouldn't have mattered if I had taken the other freeway, but I had visions of us ending up in South Dakota.

At the Quad Cities (for the uninformed, that's Davenport, IA; Bettendorf, IA; Rock Island, IL; and Moline, IL) we crossed over the great Mississippi into Illinois, the Land of Lincoln. All of the states in this whole area try to claim Lincoln--we had seen a statue in Wyoming, there's Lincoln, NE, of course Illinois has a lot, Indiana says it was his boyhood home, Kentucky says he was born there. I say, what's the big deal? I was more excited to pass the Presidential Library of Herbert Hoover!

I thought the highlight of Illinois was Peoria (pictured above). It was pretty. We passed Bloomington, IL (ooh--so close) before we finally got into Indiana. Once in Indiana, we had to take back roads into Bloomington. We saw a bit of the countryside. It's pretty here--there's forests and hills. And, yes, corn.

"Forget about the crowds, the size of the school, their fancy uniforms and remember what got you here "

2009-08-30T17:23:00.000-04:00

The last couple of months there has been a famine in the land of my deep repressed subconscious. But I assure you that it will be followed by an equal and opposite feast! For during those months of much want, I was secretly storing away all of these delightful little tidbits this blog is now notorious for, and now they are amassed and ready for consumption. Much of note has occurred and is now past; they are spent and ripe for defragmentation. For example, some recent events include:

My own wedding
A savory honeymoon
Housesitting;
with its subsequent lack of Internet access (a contributing source to the famine)
the taking of the GRE
selling my car
packing all of my possessions (twice)
disposing of many of my possessions
giving a talk
an exodus to Indiana
a new home
a new phone (that doesn't accidentally call people)

all of which could have their own separate post. Instead of gorging you on all of it at once, I will divvy it out piecemeal, in an easy-to-swallow daily dose. Of course, you could wait a few weeks and then read all of the entries at the same time, if that's how you roll.

A new link has been forged in the fires of Blogger-- a new family website curated by my spouse: Joelyssa. This site that you are reading now will not be unmade, for this site is MINE!

OK, now a random Hoosiers clip. I found this first, and it's really the only thing I knew I wanted in this post, but I haven't really worked it in. But we are in Indiana, so you know.

Pretty Mediocre Photographic Fakery

2009-06-06T19:17:00.000-04:00

This is alternate version of myself riding a roller coaster. If you observe closely, you can see him popping in and out of existence. Note you can also see his pseudo-world through rips in the space-time continuum.

This is What Happens When You Kiss Yourself...

2009-06-06T02:19:00.000-04:00

My Latest Work of Art

2009-06-04T23:34:00.000-04:00

Joel Feik's 10,021st Day of Life

2009-06-04T02:05:00.000-04:00

Stardate 10021:

I guess it would have been a little bit cooler if I had posted on my 10,000th day, but my tally system--scratching on my wall with a sharp stick--makes it hard to pinpoint these milestones.

I snagged a coupon for SportClips, a new "barbershop" on 192nd, and got not only a haircut, but a steaming towel on my face, a scalp massage, and all while I watched SportsCenter! For free! I am a witness.

Then my mom and I went down to Clackamack and I got a humdinger of a wedding suit, plus they threw in another suit on account of good behavior.

We then traversed across the Promenade to a Sushi joint, for much Wasabi-laden goodness.

Later in the day, I mowed not one but two lawns, which is a personal record. I still feel like I am inhaling chlorophyll.

Still later, my fiance and I came one step closer towards our lifelong goal of getting married to each other by having a temple recommend interview.

To cap off the day, I won a fun game of Settlers of Cataan.

Bring on Day 10022!

What is the Pointiest Vegetable of them all?

2009-06-02T19:35:00.000-04:00

I have no idea why Burgerville is promoting asparagi. Maybe an asparagus smoothie? An organic, Northwest-grown asparagus burger? At any rate, I saw this marquee that I thought was clever (click on the picture to zoom in):

I had been chuckling at its quirkiness for weeks when an unsettling feeling hit me. Some one or something was getting disrespected. Why, there are obvious candidates for pointier vegetables!

Carrots--hello? And artichoke leaves are so pointy they hurt.

Burgerville, my friend, you disappoint me. Throwing carrots and artichokes under the bus just for cheap laughs.

Reverse SAD

2009-06-01T19:45:00.000-04:00

I think that I may have Reverse Seasonal Affected Disorder right now, which I thought was a made-up condition that I would joke around about, but stinkin' Wikipedia confirms that it actually is a condition. (BTW, how annoying is it in this day & age of the Internet to think of a creative idea, google it and discover you are not the first person to have thought of it, and then further discover you are perhaps the last to think of it?)

The radio said this morning that we have had like eleven consecutive days of 70 degree plus weather. The sun has been shining constantly. It's perfect right?

No! It's driving me crazy. It's too hot!

I would like to see the following template from now on: three sunny days on, one rainy day off, three sunny days on. Is that so hard to ask?

We are in Portland, people! PORTLAND!

(I think someone up there heard me...I hear thunder this very moment)

The Sound of My Pocket's Own Ruffling

2009-05-31T13:15:00.000-04:00

I bought this phone a few months ago.

My old phone stopped working.

I researched all of my options.

I got a phone that calls people all of the time on accident.

I just love it when someone I haven't talked to in a long time calls me and asks if I called them and I have to sheepishly explain that my phone likes to call people by itself.

So that necessitated a reworking of my contacts list, just in case I don't call girls that I went on a date with 3 years ago at school.

But then there's those people I just don't call but I don't feel like I need to take them off my list.

If you get a call from me and you hear the sound of a pocket, yeah, that's my phone, not me.

It's really because the keypad on the exterior has a weak keypad lock and then if it smushes up against something while in my pocket it will easily access my contact list and then call them.

My fiance has gotten a fair number of these pseudo-calls, because not only do I talk to her a lot, but she is near the top of the contacts list alphabetically.

Where do I go from here?

I thought of just taking a really optimistic viewpoint and pretend like I did call people when they call me back. You know, shrug it off and ask how they are doing and tell them I was thinking about them.

Get a new phone? Maybe. Maybe.

Get a male purse? That's a topic for another post.

Turn my phone off when not in use? Yeah, perhaps, but that loses some of the immediacy of the cell phone.

Chuck it off of the 205 Bridge? It's intriguing...

Fakers, Curious Cases, and Comments

2009-05-30T12:22:00.000-04:00

Good thing I got yesterday's post in when I did, because it is already obsolete: the Fakers are in the Finals. How are things ever going to change, people??
Last night Joelyssa watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was what I thought it would be. Short stories seem to be the perfect format for taking a clever concept (like a man growing younger) and fleshing it out without going too deep. And while people adapt novels into movies all of the time, I think short stories are way better suited for film. A properly adapted novel would usually have to be at least ten hours long. Think of how long it takes to read a 250 page novel. Now some short stories take a good couple hours to read, which is of course a standard length for a movie. I want to see more short stories made into films, and I want to see less novels sold short.
I don't know how else to respond to recent comments, but I figure in the body of the blog is good enough.
Thanks on the site design, I wish I could say I did anything. I didn't even choose it. Just endorsed it.
I don't use "Mom's" iPod to write posts. Even though I geek out on the iPod, I have found it is too cumbersome to write blog posts (although it is possible).
Isaiah is cuter than ever.
I don't remember kissing Melissa, but I know so far Melissa is 2 for 2 in writing awkward comments on my blog. :)
This blog is not designed for old folks. Keep them away!

Why I want to see Denver and Orlando in the Finals

2009-05-29T19:09:00.000-04:00

There are a few schools of thought on sports fanmanship. There are
those who always root for the teams that win year after year, the
teams from the big cities, the the teams with the big name players.
These fans are "front runners."

Then there are fans who loyally root for the home team, year after
agonizing year, and once their teams are eliminated from the
postseason, they root for similar teams that are underdogs. These are
"true fans."

Lebron v. Kobe would admittedly be an interesting series, but it is so
fun settling into my instinctual role as a true fan and rooting
against them in the conference finals.

Every year, every sport, I root for the underdog. I was born and bred
for this purpose. I have had my share of disappointments, but they
have made the victories all the more sweet.

Plus, you know I am in the minority and the NBA would get a better
rating with LA/LeBron. It would give me great satisfaction to have
the smaller cities playing for the rings.

(BTW this will never happen)

Trendy Suffix Watch: “-ist”

2009-05-28T18:45:00.000-04:00

Hipsters and suits alike are buzzing over the latest designer suffix:

IST

I mean, what's the deal with those three letters? Everywhere I go people are adding –ist to the end of things. It's all over movies, blogs, books, and you may be next! A popular meme is to use the definite article preceding the title of a work. (e.g. The ___ist")

Here's some examples. The Illusionist (movie), The Alchemist (book), and about a billion blogs: The Consumerist, The Web Urbanist, The Futurist, The Transportationist, Nerdist, etc.

Maybe you haven't noticed yet, but it's the next big thing. In fact, prepare to be sick of it.

I guess people love labeling themselves followers/adherents/ proponents of very specific fields. This smart guy says that the suffix comes from Greek, packaged along with sister suffixes –ism and –ize, but many of the new –ists aren't interchangeable, adding further consternation to prescriptivist Greeks. I mean, even "prescriptivist" gets the squiggly red line and suggests the change to "prescriptivism."

I propose to out-hip the newest suffixists at their own game. Now, mind you, this is a bit before its time, but look for –ista. A suffix on the suffix. Actually, it is ist in Spanish (and other languages). I think the most widespread usage in English right now is barista. If you want me to explain why that's even cooler, you might as well have someone explain to you what cool is.

Destination Seattle 2009: Mann und Maus, Winger's, and a Doppelganger Washington Park Arboretum

2009-05-27T15:53:00.000-04:00

My fiance, me, and my car trekked up to Seattle on Saturday to partake in the type of frivolity only the Puget Sound can provide. Naturally, being not only from Portland but technically from Vancouver, WA (read: Camas) , I feel a little Napoleonic to the Emerald City. The split dichotomy of residing in the state of Washington but closely feeling affinity to all things PDX (and therefore Oregon) has fostered a manic loyalty tug-of-war in my pysche. Do I love or despise Seattle?

We zipped up I-5 gaily and parked in a huge parking garage in the middle of the steeply terraced downtown. The garage was attached to the Art Museum but we wanted to explore a bit first before putting our art critic's hats on (berets, of course). Hmmm, but strangely we could find no exits except one that pealed an alarm when we opened the door. I guess we can expect no great user-friendliness from the city that gave us Microsoft.

Well, we also couldn't find a suitable place to eat and I had to expectorate so we decided to stave off eating until later. I most enjoyed the modern art at the museum, which actually sorta surprised me. The above picture shows a gigantic mouse sitting on top of a man in bed. Love it!

After frolicking from minimalism to maximalism (?) at the SAM, we again attempted to find a place to eat, finally setting on the Pike Pub, nestled somewhere in the bowels of Pike Place. I imbibed water and Rueben sandwich.

With Google Maps as our guide and Rothko as our inspiration, we quit the downtown and headed over to the Washington Park Arboretum. The well-travelled Northwesterner quickly realizes there is also an arboretum in Portland's Washington Park! Is this merely coincidence, or has Seattle dared to slug her little brother to the south? Turning to Wikipedia for peer-reviewed populist answers, I realize I have opened up a can of worms: Seattle's version of the arboretum "may have" started in 1920, while Portland's Hoyt started in 1922. *Grumble grumble* --point to Seattle. But wait, hold everything! Sure, the arboretums, but what about the parks themselves? Seattle's Washington Park: "Woodland and Washington Parks were purchased in 1900". Portland's WP: (drum roll) "The City of Portland purchased the original 40.78 acres (165,000 m2) in 1871 for $32,624" Boo yeah! (I seriously spent 15 minutes looking all this up)

The arboretum, despite its shady copycat beginnings, was pretty cool. For the record, I haven't even been to the Hoyt in Portland.

Our aesthetic escapade quickly turned coldly capitalistic as we visited the Aurora Supermall. Look it's a Sam's Club! No, it's an indoor gathering of factory outlets! It's SUPERmall! Well, the Supermall was rather a silly place so instead we went to sister Becky's Men's Wearhouse (not WAREhouse...get it?) I purchased gentlemanly items in preparation for my coming wedding. BTW, here's a link for that.

Somewhere in the nether regions of Seattle's hinterland I found a Winger's to have dinner at. As a disgraced former employee I feel no special bond to said restaurant, but I think I am addicted to the sauce. I got to see my nephew Isaiah and got to eat the corn dog bites I thought he might like (he didn't).

Closing thesis: Seattle is a great place to visit when you live in "Portland", full of charming/strange idiosyncrasies, and would be my second preferred metropolitan area to live in.

Oh yeah!

2009-05-06T22:00:00.000-04:00

Keep on rockin' in the free world.

Captain Obvious

2009-05-04T00:06:00.000-04:00

I'm going to idea-surf off something I heard on Colin Cowherd the other day. He was talking about how some of the stupid mistakes we see people make seem so obvious for us to fix. For example, it is obvious to everyone else that a physically abused wife should leave her husband, but that wife will defend him and still tell everyone he's a great person. Conversely, sometimes we make mistakes and we are in a complete fog. I'm in a fog like all of the time, so I know that is true with me. Here's a few arbitrary things that seem obvious to me:

Peter, Paul and Mary's Wedding Song is absolutely a must-play at a wedding, and I'm not too picky.
The Blazers all season long took too many outside jumpers. They needed to push up the tempo and take the ball to the hole!
General Conference needs to get rid of the teleprompters.
Everyone should get rid of their cars, we should rip up all the roads and build electrified rails everywhere.
If newspapers give away all of their content for free on the Internet, their cost-based print versions will fail.
In the same vein, why ever go to the movies or rent videos anymore? You can either get them for free or pay to see them in your home without going out and hassling with some teenager who makes you show your debit card twice and then has you walk around the corner to hand you the DVD because they think you are going to steal it!
It is impossible to tie a string around someone's finger when they are moving.
Why do they have phones that have buttons on the outside which cause you to accidentally call people when you put it in your pocket?
Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigre? They're the same face! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

That's all for now. What else is obvious? Do tell, but go easy on me.

Joelyssa

2009-03-11T12:31:00.000-04:00

I am getting married!

McGriddles, Hash Browns, and OJ: A Foray into the Seedy Underbelly of My Breakfasts

2009-03-09T19:36:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I know that this is my second entry on food in a row, but I feel that I must mention my other work-related indulgence: fast food breakfasts. Like my cookie fix, I withheld from giving in for quite a long time. The problem is, once the precedence is set, I am like an uncaged beast.

Drawbacks: Fast food breakfasts are unhealthy. They are greasy and make you fat. They leave a greasy aftertaste in your mouth for the rest of the day. Also, eating everyday costs money.

Benefits: They are so good! The Hash Browns are maybe the best-- I always eat them first. And actually, fast food breakfasts are generally cheaper than fast food lunches.

Cost: Medium
Premier Item: I always go for the McGriddle--it is a syrupy, bacon, egg, and cheese monster. It takes some gettin' used to, but it is a sweet and savory sensation.
Hash Browns: Triangle
Drink: I always get OJ, and theirs is more expensive because it is from the soda fountain. On the other hand, they give you more OJ.

Cost: High
Premier Food: It's not as obvious as the McGriddle, but I like their biscuit sandwiches. BK seems to fill me up the most.
Hash Browns: Pellet form.
Drink: The OJ comes in a small Minute Maid carton.

Cost: Low
Premier Food: It's all about the same. Nothing stands out to me.
Hash Brown: Tater Tot form.
Drink: They also rock the snall Minute Maid carton.

I have also tried Burgerville, but they are too expensive, and take longer, plus I didn't think they brought anything too special to the table.

So, yeah. Cookies and fast food breakfasts. That's what I shove down my pie hole when I work.

If you give a Joel a Cookie OR What Do I Want--a Cookie?

2009-03-08T11:26:00.000-04:00

At work about twice a week I stop by the office for a group of condominiums. They always have a plate of cookies out and they are so delicious. Here is the evolution of my relationship with the cookies:

1. I would notice the plate of cookies and look longingly at them for a brief few seconds, and then move on.

2. After a few months or so, If none of the employees were around, I would sneak a cookie and hide it in the palm of my hand and then devour it ravenously when I returned to the van.

3. After I got back from school this time and returned to this job, I reasoned that it was pretty immature of me to take cookies so I decided not do it anymore.

4. One day, out of nowhere, one of the employees ASKED me if I wanted a cookie!

5. This same employee started to suggest it every time I came in. I felt like I had turned a page in my life. It was wonderful. I would look forward to it all day.

6. Sometimes I would joke that I would get fat. Sometimes I would forgo one, self-conscious that I might lose some goodwill.

7. Months go by. Just the other day, for the first time, I realized that I was so confident in taking a cookie without even being prompted that I no longer just wanted one cookie, but that I clearly needed--no, deserved-- TWO cookies.

8. To pull off the double-cookie coup I wanted the same conditions that I wanted so long ago: namely, no employees around.

9. As I mulled this around in my head on Friday, I went in, and analyzed the situation: the coast was clear. I did my business, swung by the plate, swiped two cookies and continued walking out like I owned the place. Back in the van, I snickered in fiendish delight, wallowing in self-crapulence.

And thus we see the slow descent that comes upon me when you dangle a delicious morsel in front of me. What placates me now will be a pittance later. What will I try next? Three cookies? Four? The whole plate?

I Would Like Last Week Back In the Form of Cash

2009-01-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

Now that it is Wednesday, this marks a full week of a monster fever/flu/thing. I have had a pulsating headache, a nose full of gelatinous snot, a throat with razor sharp edges, and a canker sore at the end of my tongue to top it off.

I'm not the type of person who asks "why me?" in these types of situations. Wait, scratch that. I am exactly the type of person to ask that. So if anyone has the answer, please tell me.

A Welter of Multifarious Consanguinity

2009-01-12T19:15:00.000-05:00

Things that bothered me today, and today only (and ultimately really within the last hour):

1. I have a headache.
2. My right contact lens is on the fritz.
3. I took a nap and was awakened to booming music from the neighbors. Probably contributed to my headache.
4. I left my backpack in my car last night and went out to get it in my socks but of course that got my socks all wet. Yeah, I know, I deserve it, but it was annoying.
5. Before I went out to to my car I walked all the way downstairs then realized I needed my keys so I had to trudge all the way back up.

That is all.

Ghost of Christmas Future, I Fear You More Than Any Other

2008-12-24T17:31:00.000-05:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, and I've got some blogging to do. In the tradition of my old journals (which these blogs are a spritual spinoff of sorts) I now write my annual CHRISTMAS EVE entry.

Christmas is the apex of the year, replete with holiday cheer, togetherness, and tradition. Of course, it is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, but that never stopped us from some good ol' fashioned capitalistic indulgence. I mean, Jesus got gifts, right? Same thing.

One of my favorite traditions for the last five or so years is the seminal adaption of Dickens' A Christmas Carol, Scrooge. I watch it every year and it always gets me out of my humbug "why do they play Christmas songs so frickin' early" attitude and into the Christmas spirit.

Scrooge is a detestable, loathsome creature...

Sometimes I in my most misanthropic moments, I remember Scrooge. People can be really mean sometimes.

Everyone knows that Scrooge is visited by three spirits. The first is the Ghost of Christmas Past:

My Christmas pasts have all been excellent. I may be accused of selfishness or lightheartedness but I was pretty spoiled.

Then, the Ghost of Christmas Present:

I love this guy. And I like life! This has been a great, if not rather snowbound Christmas.

Then the foreboding Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come:

This is the great variable. What will my next Christmas look like? What about in five years? Ten? Fifty? Now I sound like some job interviewer.

It doesn't really matter what my life will be like, Christmas is always the same. I get to be with my family, and I get to enjoy life and give thanks for the babe born in Bethlehem.

Merry Christmas! God bless us, every one!

Back from Deblogification

2008-12-23T03:11:00.000-05:00

Night falls over the metaphorical world of this blog. A hush trickles across the barren plain which is the repressed id. Shaking free from the tentacles of dark, mysterious thoughts I pull myself towards a blurry light. What is it, I wonder? Lo, it is the superficial superego which this megalomaniacal society forces upon me. I momentarily unloose the brambles tying me to my deepest thoughts to sample the tepid waters of common thought.

For but a season I scamper about in this seeming wonderland. I forsake the blogging roots which sustain me and try to go it alone. The desire to rant, vent, or explicate I squelch, neglecting my most basic needs. In my moments of deepest anguish I turn to apathy and complacency.

Soon the ambivalency and lightmindedness of it all literally buoys me up and I float in the atmosphere. While I hang high above in the haze, I realize I need some heaviness. Some weight. Some are meant to live a life of ignorance and non-examination, but that is not the course for me. I must return to my melancholy and semi-depressing blog! For I have made a pledge!

From the frigid North I feel an ARCTIC BLAST of wind approaching. Gusts envelope me and buffet me amongst the clouds. I crystallize in the intense freeze and freefall to the earth in a familar hexagonal form. Around me I see millions like me also parachuting to the firm ground.

For days I lay in a massive drift which blankets the landscape in a pristine white. I find myself completely immobilized--nowhere to go. How long will this last? When will I be ready to return to the mire of the life I once knew?

The sun breaks through the clouds at long last. Slender rays pierce my sides and I disperse into water. Rivulets form streams and I find the cycle returning me back finally to the briar pit which I so foolishly left.

As I ponder on this singular experience, the thought occurs to me that a cycle which perpetuates life on this earth--namely, the precipitation cycle-- mirrors a cycle that I have with my innermost self. To wit, I start off in the pit of intense self scrutiny. I constantly wax philosophical and live life to the fullest (in my unique way), questioning everything. Then the heat of artificiality, possessions, and gratification causes me to evaporate and I no longer think as deeply. At the worst point, I become a slave to pleasure and I cast off my brain. I then reach a barrier where I no longer can keep up the facade, whereupon I condense back into liquid and fall back where I was.

To speak more plainly, I stopped writing posts for about a month. Was it a formal self-imposed period of blogging detoxification? No, not really. Did I just start moving away from writing and didn't really feel like probing my mind and started worrying about other things? Yes.

But I'm back. Screw those other things.

Totally Random, Yet Profound Thoughts On Plentitude, Harvest, And Napoleon

2008-11-27T12:43:00.000-05:00

For some reason my blog editor changed and I lost all my options.

I am currently chatting on Facebook with one of my best friends from my mission, Speed.

I am wearing green corduroy pants and a baby blue polo.

My feet are propped up on the desk. It's comfortable.

I am abusing this Thanksgiving break with excessive amounts of sleep.

My family is all out on a walk but I stayed home.

Monty Python & the Holy Grail is a very quotable movie.

I have a bad habit of twirling my hair and I'm doing it right now.

I am a hairy man, but sometimes in the gym locker room I see guys that put me to shame.

The drawers to my dresser squeak when I open them.

The hair treatment I spoke of a few entries ago? Totally using it. Is it working? I don't think so.

Sometimes I also bite my fingernails. It's another bad habit.

In Computer Science class I learned you could never really write a code that could produce a totally random number.

Most of my family just came for my sister's wedding so they aren't here for Thanksgiving.

If you want to subscribe to my blog, you can do that at the end of the page with an RSS feed in conjunction with a blog reader like Google Reader.

I like to read things about Napoleon Bonaparte. He was a fascinating man.

There is a park in Prague called Letna that has a huge pendulum looking thing that swings back and forth.

Some mornings I feel I will wake up to find myself transformed into a giant insect.

The new Indiana Jones movie and the new Star Wars movies prove that George Lucas totally had no idea what made his earlier movies so magical.

The first letter of each word of the title of this post spells out a chemical frequently digested on Turkey Day.

Sometimes I wonder if everything that happens to me not only is a big joke that everyone is in on, but that the joke is not a really funny joke but just something lame like a knock-knock joke or a "why did the chicken cross the road" joke.

If in some far off corner of the universe a doppelganger of myself is also sitting at his computer writing a blog post on Thanksgiving, I think it is a really big coincidence that they would have Thanksgiving on an alien planet.

Could I create a rock that even I couldn't move?

I had cold pizza and carrots for breakfast.

...wherein our hero Joel reviews his week

2008-11-24T20:54:00.001-05:00

Wednesday--I went on a day hike with two friends, found an Italian restaurant in Troutdale, bought fake lottery tickets for a birthday party, lost my wallet, found my wallet, went to the gym, changed into my church clothes at the gym, went to a birthday dinner, the lottery ticket prank backfired, left midway through the dinner to catch the latter half of my temple recommend interview, went back to the dinner and ate my food, went to pick up my date for the remainder of the night, went to the airport to pick up my sister, changed out of my church clothes, then went to the birthday party, then dropped my date off.
Thursday--my sister took out her endowments and my family starting coming for the big wedding.
Friday--Played Trivial Pursuit and watched a Czech movie. Avoided wedding preparations.
Saturday--My little sister Jessica got married! I went to my first ever temple wedding, which was very special. Then we stood around in the cold and had our pictures taken in the cold Portland rain. There was a lavish luncheon at the Governor's Hotel downtown, where we served hors d'ouerves and filet mignon. I assembled and DJ'd the music for the luncheon, and I am proud to say it went off without a hitch. It was mostly old standards like Sinatra and Bennet--not really my style--but my sister digs it. I was a little nervous that I would not get the right songs for when the newlyweds dance, but providence smiled upon me and I did not get a disapproving stare. Of course, in true fashion I left my mp3 player at the hotel. I skedaddled out of the luncheon and over to a Bed, Bath and Beyond to get my sister a gift and also my mom for her birthday. Hey, I procrasinate...is that a crime? Then I went to my house for the reception. I felt antisocial, but I made my sister a nice card. Everybody wants me to get married. Congratulations Jessica.
Sunday--My Mom's birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom! I went to church, and someone convinced me to leave after sacrament with the promise that they would never talk me into that again.

I, for one, still listen to the radio

2008-11-18T19:25:00.000-05:00

Everyday I listen to the radio. Not really because I choose to, but because it's my only choice. There's no CD player or even tapedeck, so I am regulated to the airwaves of old. For a while I was rocking an adaptor for my MP3 player, which was really quite awesome. But then one day it was gone--I think someone stole it just to force me to listen to the radio again.

I have 12 presets for the FM dial, which I punch through rapidly, 1-12, probably 50 times each day, searching for the elusive good song. They are organized from lowest frequency to highest:

92.3 This is the first of my presets and therefore has alot more of an oppurtunity to be listened to than the ones further down the list. They have a 25-song classic rock set, which is far and away the longest set of any Portland station. I don't usually listen until 10 AM, when the morning talk is over. Tuesday is "Twofer Tuesday", where they play two songs for each artist. Grade: A
94.7 This is an alternative rock station that I actually never listened to like a year ago but now that it is my second preset it gets alot of play. At 8 AM I'm not listening to much else so I often listen to the "8 at 8", where they play eight songs in a row which share a common theme. They gets bonus points for playing music in the early morning when most stations have crappy morning talk shows. Grade: B+
95.5 This is a sports talk station that I listen to nearly everyday. The early morning sports show (why do they still call programs on the radio "shows"?) is local and I listen to it often, despite the annoying hosts. At 9, the "Jim Rome Show" starts, which I have been listening to for years. I usually base the next three hours of radio listening around this show. My love for this program is a whole 'nother story. Grade: A-
97.1 Random radio. Used to hate it because it replaced the oldies station, then I warmed up to it, now I love it! Grade: A-
101.1 This is another station that I never used to listen to. They play heavier rock, and the songs I get into are usually the older ones anyway. Points taken away for a very late start to their music library--like around 11 or so. Grade: C+
101.9 KINK plays artsy-fartsy music, which is so hit-and-miss. Often enough it's good, but you usually don't recognize it, which makes it hard to get into. They also play music in the early morning. Grade: B
103.3 Ok, I admit it: I have a soft spot for soft rock. They would have a higher grade, except for this week they already switched to their all-Christmas rotation. Tsk tsk. Grade: B
105.1 I only like about 20% of the songs on this station, so often I skip past this preset (along with 103.3 now that they are playing Christmas music). It is just a filler station, needed to fill up 12 presets. Grade: D+
105.9 As good as a substitute of the old KISN station as you can find. I also have a softer spot for oldies, and they play them long and often. They also play a fairly decent amount in the early morning. Grade: A
106.3 I barely even get this station--I think it's based in Corvallis. Sometimes it comes in pretty good, and they often play some cool classic rock. Just because of the bad reception, I often skip it, and that also unfortunately knocks down its grade. Grade: B-
106.7 I still don't really know what this station is all about--but they say they play songs from the 60s and 70s. So they are in-betweeners. Usually good stuff. Grade: A-
107.5 This is the ultimate filler station. I needed a 12th preset, and once I heard one song playing that I think I kinda liked. So I skip this preset every time. Grade: F+

I know, I know. There's Z100, country stations, or whatever. No thanks. I am open to switchng up my presets, but I never know about new stations because I never go off the beaten path.

AM, you ask? Why yes, thank you. I often listen to 970 in the early morning wasteland for the "Dennis Miller Show", which is often quite funny. Then there's a big drop off, but occasionally I dabble in 1080, another sports talker, and then also 1190 for Rush and Dr. Laura. All the other conservative political shows I've listened to, but I'm usually 95% of the time not in the mood for it.

I've pretty much listened to every morning talker and all the other talk shows too, just to give them a chance. One day I listened to Christian radio (not the music but the preachers). Today I decided to listen to classical (that was the first time ever).

About once every three weeks I just turn the radio off and I let my mind fill up the void. That's pretty scary, huh? Someday I'll post all the topics that recycle through my head on the radio-free days.

I decided to review my week with a fresh, cheesy sonnet...

2008-11-17T19:05:00.000-05:00

Monday—my mood hangs low and blue;

Unused keys spill on the table.

‘til Tuesday and a friend still true

Buoys me up and makes me able.

Wither Wednesday— the keys are lost,

Locked, dangling, and out of reach.

Thankfully Thursday in the wind tossed,

Blew, shaking a moment to teach.

Frigid Friday— keys firm in pocket;

Magic waning and heart explaining…

Latter-day Saturday lights a rocket;

Hope waxing and dreams restraining…

Sleepily Sunday I put in the key—

Keep driving, driving through eternity.

Not only am I Caucasian, I'm also white

2008-11-11T15:29:00.000-05:00

This post has been in draft stage for a while because I’ve aborted all previous attempts and wanted to do it right. According to Dr. Taylor Hartman’s Color Code, I have a “white” personality. There is no other pop-psych theory that so guides and influences my life. It has an unfairly disproportionate place in my thoughts and skews my perceptions of people, including myself. I first learned of it during my mission—my mission president was an ardent believer in the color code. He would assign companionships based upon the interactions between the colors. As a result of my “whiteness,” I was assigned to be with a lot of “reds.” When I was put in a threesome with two other “whites,” my mission president told me that it was a source of concern for him.

In the past few months, this theory of personality cropped up again in my personal relationships. It soon dominated my thoughts where it had once gradually receded. I began to color people into a certain personality and expect them to act a certain way and I likewise rationalized my own behavior. I have friends that also buy into the color code, and we would discuss at length the different permutations and practical applications of the “code.” One of these friends, whom I thought I had a great relationship with, decided that based upon this predetermined pattern our personalities were too incompatible.

Now, I have to confess that I have never read this book from cover to cover. However, I am confident that I have discussed it often enough and read enough snippets that I think I am not missing the point on any of it, and I daresay that none of what I will mention misconstrues the book in any way. In these discussions I have learned that people of my personality type, “white,” are never very big believers in the color code, and if you haven’t guessed it already, I follow blindly in lockstep.

That being said, I have been in awe at how well the code describes in a seemingly accurate way the behavioral patterns of different people. When you hear the descriptions of blues, yellows, whites, and reds, you feel like you know people like this. I feel like after a few exposures/interactions with a new person, I generally know where they would fit in the color code. I even find myself catering to their personality, since I determine whether they are motivated by power or fun or intimacy or peace.

I will now attempt to list off the top of my head the specifications of whites, intermingled with my own thoughts.

1. Motivated by peace. Whites are peacemakers. For me, I would just say, that it’s hard to pinpoint any one thing as motivation. Not because there’s so much motivation, but rather because nothing really motivates me. If you asked me to list all of my motivations without knowing about the color code, I doubt that I would even think of writing “peace.” Not that I don’t like peace, but I just don’t think I would think of it.

2. Introverted. I think that generally whites are the most introverted of the colors. This is definitely true in my case; I have no problems with this stereotyping. There have been plenty of times in my life where I have been downright scared of people—mostly those power-hungry reds.

3. Adaptable. I also agree that whites have to change the most from their natural personality to even survive in this world. Staying white will get you killed. I pride myself when people are aware of the color code and guess that I am a different color than white. It makes me think that I am doing a good job as a chameleon.

4. Easy to fall in love. Yes, I find this true in my life. I usually fall in love with girls and am ready to be loyal to them long before they feel the same. This usually leads to a whole lotta heartache.

5. Value quality over quantity. I don’t need a million friends; I just want a few real friends. I don’t want to have a long to-do list; I just want to have a good, happy day. I don’t want to get things done; I want them to be done right.

6. Anti-groups. Yeah, I don’t like groups. I am not a natural leader, and I don’t feel like I can participate in a conversation where there are more than 3-4 people. No one ever hears me. I don’t feel like yelling. Everyone else in the group is a jerk because they won’t listen to me. You can forget trying to organize any activity—no one will come. I like the thought that I have heard expressed: “Whites rarely speak up in groups, but they usually have the most thought-out opinions.”

7. Private with feelings. I have been astounded at how personal some people are in their Facebook statuses and blogs, because I usually want to put my best face out in public and don’t want people to know when I’ve had bad things happen to me or when I’m depressed. Admittedly, I’ve dabbled in it a bit myself, but I attribute that to my adaptability and my “other color”-envy. I suspect that blues are the most responsible for spilling their icky feelings online.

8. Passive-Aggressive. I take a bit of exception to this one, because I feel like it is a buzz word that whites are hit with, when no one has the same definition of this term and everyone draws people in before attacking them—not just whites. Besides, it’s a dang good strategy.

Now, there are probably more things, maybe even major things that I am forgetting. There is also the huge issues of secondary colors and how I mesh with the other colors. But I think I have painted a picture. And yes, for the most part I do agree that these attributes describe me fairly adequately.

My personal take on the whole color code is again influenced by my mission president. I learned from him that any two people (or more for that matter) can make any relationship work if they are both actively trying to make it work, regardless of the colors. I learned that all of the colors have strengths and weaknesses and that we should focus on the strengths. We shouldn’t use the weaknesses as excuses. We should value everyone with all different personalities. Beyond that, I believe there are subtleties and exceptions that make each person unique and uncategorizable.

I hope you all have enjoyed this intense evaluation of my personality. Please feel free to sock it to me, if you’ve got something to spout off about.

Excuses and a Weekend in Review

2008-11-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

Excuses

I need to establish a more consistent daily blogging pattern. I find that at the end of the day I am often tired and uninspired. I need to mix it up. It started to remind me of having to finish a homework assignment that I had procrastinated to the last second--a feeling I did not really miss.
Some nights my life got in the way. I think that trumps the blog. Sorry blog.
Now I am just reaching. Those are really the only reasons.
This will be a weekend review and not the full week because I think my life is not really that exciting especially when compared to others. Someone I know seemed to copy my idea in their blog and their week put my week to shame. Plus my weekend was the most exciting part.

Weekend in Review

On Thursday night I went to the most incredibly awesome Blazer game I had ever been to. I am a huge Blazer fan, and have amassed under my belt a large number of games in my career as a fan. But I had never been apart of something like this before:
On Friday night I went with a group of people to the Ape Caves. I had been a few times before, but there was a twist this time: we went in the dark. We also went to a different cave that is a little more treacherous and adventurous than your grandpa's Ape Cave. There's nothing like bumbling into people in a dark, wet cave and then drinking copious amounts of pristine (?) cave water.
On Saturday night I went and saw a laser-light show at OMSI. It featured the music of one of my favorite bands, Radiohead. The show itself was a bit of a "Let Down," but it was a fun night. Afterwards I strolled along Waterfront Park on a balmy night in beautiful Portland, Oregon.

Basically it was a three-night trifecta. Sunday was hectic again. Today was a horrible day. More later.

Finally, It's Election Day. The Next Election Campaign Starts Tomorrow.

2008-11-05T02:24:00.000-05:00

I dropped my ballot off today in the spirit of procrastination. I know that my vote doesn't count much, seeing as how we don't really live in a "true" democracy as the ancient Greeks did and that we have a screwed up electoral college system. I'm still waiting for the day when we have a compulsory Internet directly-elected voting system. But, alas, I live in America, not Joelmerica.

I wish unto Barack Obama congratulations. Mostly I wish myself congratulations on surviving this torrid political season.

To my newfound brothers in the Constitution Party, I commend you on the well fought battle and say "better luck next time."

Week in Review

2008-11-04T02:32:00.000-05:00

I think I can still fit in this week's week in review before midnight, to conform to my goal of having a post everyday, which I also altered to just the weekdays (since I ran out of time this Saturday and Sunday). Besides, I'm having trouble sleeping, so it's like two birds with one stone.

I don't think this week on the surface will seem as exciting as the week before, but believe you me, it was another rollercoaster for yours truly. Some of the most poignant experiences I will use my blogger's license and omit. They will be forever lost, and I for one, would like to say "Good Riddance!"

Monday, Monday. Can't stand that day. Entirely forgettable.
I'm also having a stupor of thought for Tuesday, so there must have been nothing noteworthy. It was the first Blazer game, which I was all pumped for, but then we injured our #1 draft pick who was hurt his whole first year and we lost to our most-hated rivals, the Lakers. I place a lot of personal satisfaction on events like this which are outside of my control, and this one was disproportionately disappointing.
Ah, Wednesday! My day off. I went with my Wednesday posse to the Deseret Industries in Portland and sorted out clothes, making cool sound effects with Mike to pass the time. We met a service missionary who later on in the week would introduce me to a girl. That's a little foreshadowing for you. Then I had sushi for the second week in a row, and then caught The Secret Life of Bees, which is a movie based on a book I had read. It made me feel good. I like my Wednesday posse.
Meh. Thursday. I worked, went to institute, and then went home.
Friday was of course Halloween. After the second Blazer game which was a lot better outcome, I dressed up as a Sith Lord and went to a Halloween dance. I saw many friends, and also many not-friends. It's not like we're enemies or anything, I just don't know them yet and hence am not friends with them.
Saturday I went and helped clean the church, then wussed out on the Guns and Meat activity because it was raining, which opened up the possibility of going to Mike's rugby game, in which he scored thrice and I was the sole supporter amongst his friends, which led to Triple Steak Burritos, which kept me well-fed during the fireside at Lake Oswego, where I met the girl previously discussed in the third point, and then I drove back my Saturday posse to the 'couve, singing along the way with Natalie who was car sick, and then we saw Ghostbusters and then I got made fun at while playing Scattergories.
Sunday was another loooooooooooooooooooooooooong day at Church. Plus it was fast Sunday. I made some awesome cookies for BTF made of chooped up Reese's PB cups, which won no prizes but won the silent majority of people's hearts, minds, and stomachs. After church I finally finished my square T-shirt and then played Scrabble to an unexciting result.

Well, this post is up against the end of the day, so I'm going to publish it before it lapses into my Tuesday post, which I hope I will get to. Ciao!

The Upper Strata of Halloween Decorating

2008-10-31T19:55:00.000-04:00

Picture 1

Picture 2

Picture 3

Picture 4

Picture 5

These last few days I have observed, studied and quantified the strange North American habit of decorating houses for holidays. I am not talking about your standard "Love" or "Snoopy" flags, no no--I speak of those who have climbed their way inside society to reach the very pinnacle of their field. The motives for such flamboyant eccentricity remain mysterious; however, I hypothesize it lies in a combination of vainness, unmanaged pyschological issues, pure unadulterated idiocy, and extreme "keeping up with the Joneses" hyper-competitiveness. I have ruled it out as a rite of passage or as part of some peacock-like mating ritual.

Equipped with a puke yellow expeditionary van and a trusty phone-camera apparatus, I ventured out into the wilds of suburbia to photograph these strange phonemona. I collected what I surmised to be the most extreme examples of this rare condition, and present it here for my peers to review.

In Picture 1, we see an arachnid theme which is repeated on many of the houses. I postulate that these people place a spiritual/religous value on the spider, and particular emphasis seems to be shown to the spider's web. A variation on this theme is shown in picture 3.

Picture 2 as well as Pictures 4-5 introduce a graveyard/cemetary motif, clearly showing the high emphasis the native McMansion dwellers place on ancestors. In pictures 4 and 5, great care was taken to add on an extension to the front porch of the house, showing unusual devotion to the holiday.

This holiday known in the native tongue as "Halloween" gives way to a rash of decorating-intensive holidays, beginning with "Thanksgiving" and proceeding to the granddaddy of them all, "Christmas"to then be followed anticlimactically by "Valentine's Day" and "Easter." I hope to update this with the crem-de-la-crem of those holidays in the future.

2008-10-31T01:32:00.000-04:00

Ok, I got my haircut today and all the lady could talk about was how I had so much gray hair. Now, it looks a lot worse before it's cut, but you can still see the specks when it's short. It's really weird because it's just on the sides, but not really anywhere else. To humor her, I started talking about how I should dye it even though I never really considered it before. But after I left, I went into Fred Meyer looking for the hair dyes she was talking about. I still need to sleep on this, but I think in 2 weeks or so, in the midway point 'til the next haircut, I might give the stuff a try. It would really be a psychological blow if I were to give in and do this, you know, mostly because it makes me feel really old and really stupid. Then she tried to soothe the trauma of my premature gray hair by saying it makes me look distinguished. Of course, I don't care about looking distinguished yet. Maybe in like twenty years, but not yet! So here's some pictures, which actually don't show the grayness that much.

I Hope They Call Me on a Mission--Oh, Wait, They Already Did When I Was Twelve

2008-10-30T00:38:00.000-04:00

As many of you no doubt know (and as I often like to vainly remind people), I served my mission in the Czech Republic from 2001-2003. If you like this picture here, you can see more of the silliness in my Facebook photos. But my mission wasn’t all silliness; it was actually a salad bowl mixture of intense work, heart-breaking grief and soul-fulfilling joy. To paraphrase Dickens, it was the best part of my life; it was the worst part of my life.

Many times during my mission I thought of ways to improve the work—to make it more effective and more efficient. Some of the ideas I had were beyond my control, like some of the fundamental structural elements of the missionary program. I would like to preface this by saying that the missionary program is inspired and that this all just a bit of fun.

1. I think that missionaries bound for foreign language, foreign culture missions should get their mission calls much earlier, like perhaps at 12 years old or even earlier. They can begin to learn the language and slowly learn more about the culture. This increased time will soften the steep learning curve which hampers much of the mission. When they are 16, all the future missionaries should spend part of their summer in their mission as part as a pre-mission camp where they can become accustomed to their country and get excited about their eventual mission. Converts who join the church later can fulfill the stateside missions, which they are better at anyways.

2. Instead of going to an MTC, all missionaries should spend a few weeks in a same-language, same-culture mission just so they can get some of the basics down of serving a mission. I think the last 6 months of a mission the missionary should get to decide whether he should stay in his mission or serve it out stateside.

3. The missionary look should be relaxed a bit. It looks way too formal in some situations and I know it turns just as many people off that it turns on. On my mission it always looked absurdly overdressed compared to the rest of the people. I still think there should be a dress code, but the rigid always white shirt/always dark suits look is unparalleled in the rest of the business formal world, which I always assumed the missionary look is based on.

4. Abolish contacting and tracting. These always scared me to death, and I hated it because I knew people hated it and I knew I would hate it if it was done to me.

5. Abolish district leaders, zone leaders, and especially assistants to the President. Spread the power around. A mission should be a true democracy, without the pettiness of power struggles.

6. Adopt a more presentational, passive approach. Instead of meeting everybody (including all the crazies), set up shop at certain spots, and let people come to you. Advertise, market, hold events so that people become interested and come in under their own volition. This is already done to some extent, in the form of English classes, sports nights, visitor’s centers, etc.

7. Become more service-oriented. Programs involving humanitarian efforts and charitable works should be entrenched in each area where missionaries work.

OK, I realize that these are pretty revolutionary ideas and are controversial, having their own benefits and drawbacks. Here are a few things I think should be kept the same:

1. Companionships.

2. Morning study.

3. (Most of the) Rules.

4. Preach My Gospel

Man, wouldn’t these changes be so cool? What do you think?

If you set a goal and no one is around when you fail, did you really ever set the goal?

2008-10-28T21:07:00.001-04:00

Why? Because lately, it just seems like I have to dodge people forcing me to set goals like a world war one flying ace avoiding flak. Have all you goal-making purists ever noticed that goals are never mentioned in the scriptures? Yeah, didn't think so. Oh, and have you ever thought to consider that they are a modern-day invention, and not necessarily a part of a well-balanced life? Do you think people like Julius Caesar, Martin Luther, or even King Arthur needed goals? Oh, and did you stop to consider the world is ruled by those people with personality types who have a natural propensity to set goals? Look at what a great world we live in!

Ok, yeah, I know that I have set goals before. And yes, I am just as bad at meeting my goals as anyone else. I admit that has soured me a bit on this whole goal thing. But really, deep down inside me in the quadrant next to my repressed subconscious, exists a tiny sliver of respect for the theory behind goal-setting.

So, I am a hypocrite, basically. I'm just like everyone else. Fine. I admit it. I love goals! Give me some goals!

An indefinite number of goals

Read everyday
Read the scriptures everyday
Pray everyday
Write everyday
Apply for jobs
Research going back to school
Stop doing stupid stuff
Ask girls out
Write a blog
Outline story ideas
Move out
Stop playing computer games
Do home teaching
Use my Wednesdays effectively
Declutter my room
Maintain all those things that I already do really well
Go on Jeopardy!
Get married
Have kids
Have a stimulating career
Teach in some capacity
Eventually write a story everyday
Eventually write 500 books
Somehow dig up some motivation to start doing any of these things
Repent everyday
Have a condo in the South Waterfront
Commute to work by using transit
Go back to the Czech Republic
No matter how many times I fall short of my goals, I still somehow keep trying
Seek out Czech-related activities
Stay (or regain my ability to speak) fluent Czech
Write another essay
Lose some weight
Exercise
Run
Bike
Play tennis
Play other sports
Stop twirling my hair
Stop biting my fingernails
Keep a good attitude
Maintain a perfect balance between all areas of my life
I'm really reaching now
Still, there's some good ones further down on the list
Stop falling in love with girls before I've dated them
Play Scrabble competitively
Get LASIK eye surgery
Get a laptop
Overcome my fears
Be Perfect
Watch less TV

Well, that's a good start. Maybe my next step will be to categorize them, collate them, pare them down, prune them, and then replace all my be verbs with active, vibrant verbs. Oh crap, then I suppose I should actually start trying to meet them.

You Never Know When or Where A Bolt of Lightning Will Hit; PLUS Week in Review

2008-10-27T20:37:00.001-04:00

While I was driving today, like a bolt of lightning I started receiving pure intelligence flowing into my brain, communicating to me the topics for about 10-12 additional blog posts. I ripped off a page of the route manifest in a fury and scribbled down the knowledge being sent me. Up until this informational revelation, I had been wandering around this blog wilderness like a weary desert traveler. I would stumble upon the occasional rhetorical oasis amidst days of incoherent wandering. On many days, my withered fingers would posture reluctantly at the keys while my parched eyes gazed into the electro-luminous screen, searching the void of pixels for any shred of meaning that I might possibly distill and gather but a few drops of sweet, blogging nectar. The incomprehensible horror of this endless stupor I took as a mirage—what to do but wait another day for my muse to recover herself.

But now I found, as it were, an old abandoned well in a ghost town, offering me a fresh new source of ideas. So I hereby announce the beginning of a new era for this humble blog, eclipsing the previous era of mediocrity and emerging into the light of a new day, head held high. I pledge to myself, to this blog, and most importantly to my scant readers, to layout this fresh new stream of data in the form of a new post everyday. At the very least, I hope this to last for about 10-12 more days, to flesh out the original outpouring of ideas. My fervent desire is that this plan will serve to prime the pump, and tap into an even longer reserve of endless days of blogging, until we reach that yet-hoped-for day-when-no-blogging-is-to-be-done.

Oh, where to begin? Shall it be the love letter to all the girls I've loved, the rant on goal-setting, the universe that is concealed in the word "No", or my week in review?

Yes, today it shall be my week in review, which I by this motion proclaim to write every Monday from henceforth, but I'll let some of those other topics tease you. For this week only, I will begin on the Friday I returned from Montana; beginning with the moment I crossed the plane of the State of Washington.

I returned from my previously mentioned excursion to Montana with my aunt, weary from my adventuring. We listened to a book-on-tape called The Paid Companion, which I paid attention to most of the way, although I started to zone out right when the tension was rising and was reaching its climax. After the Tri-Cities I drove the rest of the way, which was surprisingly refreshing after a few weeks of not driving.
I arrived to a house that had been substantially redecorated in my absence, in preparation for my little sister's wedding. Also conveniently present was my little sister, who finished her second trip home during the time of my trip.
The square, lacking for three weeks one-fourth of its membership, reconvened to much giddy celebration and failed shirt making.
I saw a rugby game. Didn't understand it. I found my wallet which I had lost the day before.
I returned to church after a few weeks' absence and felt an overabundance of joy to find many friends still brothers and sisters in the gospel.
I returned to work and reinvigorated my atrophied work ethic.
I did sealings at the temple, forging bonds on earth that will be bound in heaven. I also tried to forge some of my own feeble bonds, to no avail.
At this point my high from returning home intersected with the rising curve which I will call "Reality/Stuff that sucks".
Somehow I spent a lot of time talking and hoping and trying but ultimately not getting something that I wanted.
I got mad that I was not getting what I wanted.
I tried looking for that "something I wanted" in other places, trying to fulfill an intangible yet unbearable chasm in my heart. Went too far, regretted it. Then I tried to make peace with my mistake, only to make the same mistake again.
Oh yeah, like the eye of a hurricane I spent some time with an emerging new friend and had a lot of fun. That wasn't so bad. I mean, how can you beat a set weekly date, sushi, and a free movie?
I played catch and had pizza and worked out with my BFF. Plus we had a lot of man talk.
In this relatively tumultuous time of my life, I spontaneously picked up a couple of hitchhikers and they gave me $5! Wow, sometimes I wonder if I am really white…(not the skin color, mind you)
I again sought sanctuary at church, only to realize that all of my plot lines converge at church, so it ended up being awkward! and kinda painful. I guess I do it to myself.
But seriously, I also did find solace in my leaders and in sympathetic friends on Sunday.
Sunday night played games. Nothing more fun on a Sunday night. Nope. Nothing!

YEEAHH! That felt better. This week, for me, was a rollercoaster. My prediction for next week: more of the same, maybe a bit more boring. Who knows? You'll find out next week. In the mean time, get ready for a new post tomorrow that will blow your socks off.

A Tribute to Blue Square

2008-10-23T19:53:00.001-04:00

People suck. Relationships suck. I don't know why I ever get involved with anyone. They just walk all over me. It's the story of my life: I build up a lot of trust in a person over a period of months, than they completely take advantage of my feelings, then we have a falling out, and I feel like I can't trust them, and I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I decide to not get close to anybody for a period of couple of months.

It's my "trust" cycle. It has happened many times. Now I feel like I don't even want to try anymore. I'm in that stage.

Why are people like this? Why do they make each other miserable? I want to know!!

I'm just walking along, living my life, trying to find people to trust, and then BAM! out of nowhere someone completely pretends to trust me and begs to be trusted and I fall for it and then that same person leverages that phony mirage of trust into a situation full of pain. It's a classic bait-and-switch that I've fallen for many times.

I want to trust people. How can I even live my life if I never trust anyone? But when I don't feel like I can trust my friends I find myself cold and alone.

The Most Spontaneous Thing I’ve Ever Done in My Life

2008-10-20T21:08:00.001-04:00

Every waking moment of existence I make a choice. I select the choices based upon a myriad of factors, seen and unseen. As a result of each choice, more choices become available. However, the results of previous choices sometimes limit future decisions. Every once in a while I make a choice outside of the spectrum of normal choices.

For example, each day I choose to get up and work. Except three weeks ago today, I decided that instead of doing my normal job and living my normal life in Vancouver, WA, that I would forsake all routine and all civilization and all relationships to go to Montana and live in a cabin. Why did I choose to do this? Based upon the decisions that I had made in my life up to that crucial point, I had never before made such a rash, unpremeditated move.

Here, in list form, I present the rationale:

My aunt offered to take me along on the trip right I was getting ready for work on Monday morning. It seemed appealing over work.
I like to take trips.
It had been a long time since I've had an extended vacation.
This is the silliest thing of all, if you think about it. I wanted to show other people that I would do this sorta thing. I mean, that I was capable of making a spur-of-the-moment decision of this magnitude. First of all, I'm sure no one even pays that close attention to me and what I'm doing. Second, what kinda reason is that?

My personality has been pigeon-holed by others and I believed in the stereotype they created. But now I showed them that they are wrong, so there!

Here's another list, this time replete with the activities I partook of in Montana:

I cut down firewood.
I read several books.
I wrote.
I slept. A lot.
I went to General Conference.
I went on a hike up to a waterfall.
I saw a bear.
I made apple juice.
I got set up with a girl.
I played ping pong.
I grew a beard.
I stacked firewood.
I thought of coming back home.

It was a good, spontaneous trip. But I'm glad to be back in my unspontaneous life.

In Memoriam: A Perfect Driving Record (1998-2008)

2008-09-12T19:30:00.001-04:00

I am in mourning today. Just on the heels of bragging about my driving skills a few days ago, I am served with my first ever "infraction." Oh, how the mighty fall, and great is the fall thereof! I guess it wasn't enough to be made a fool of in my car towing friends by driving with my e-brake on and nearly having one of my wheels fall off. I rationalized that by saying that I still had a perfect driving record, but that my car did not. No more.

Oh, and that time I backed up into the taillight of a parked car also didn't count, because that didn't go on my permanent record and neither the cops nor the insurance agencies ever got a whiff of it.

Mind you, I had been in many a car that had been pulled over, but it had never been me in the driver's seat. Let me bask in its glow for one last time: for ten freakin' years! You know, most kids are idiot drivers, and they promptly get pulled over as they exit the DMV with their newly minted license. I had been a shining pillar of driving excellence to the community, err---either that, or I've been extremely lucky.

Well, the hefty fine slammed on my head makes up for all of my riotous driving over the years that I got away with. I suppose that I have no other choice but to press onward through life, to select that D with the circle around it instead of the N or even worse the R. I don't know what my hurry was. The interloping officer posed me that question, and I now realize that I don't need to be going so hastily.

Ironically, on the same day as my "infraction", I ran a red light, texted people while driving, and somehow forgot to wear my seatbelt all day long (including during the traffic stop). Take that, world! Take your silly rules and shove it!

Yellow Square seemed to be delighted at my fall from grace; she lectured me on "defeatism" and pride.

Honestly, it's sorta cathartic. You don't realize how much pressure there is on you, trying to keep up a perfect driving record. Now I don't have to worry about that anymore. I can let go. I can finally breathe deeply. I can now get on with my life. Maybe it's the one thing left I needed to have happen, before I reach self-actualization.

While Chewing My Cud One Day, I Looked Up and Noticed All of My Herd-Mates Grazing in a Northerly Direction

2008-09-10T13:23:00.000-04:00

For my much-anticipated first post, I would like to offer my take on an article I stumbled upon concerning of all things, the grazing habits of cattle. In short, "researchers" noticed while using Google Earth that animals such as cattle and some deer tend to all graze facing a north-south direction. Wow! Let me offer up my impressions on this subject:

I love Google Earth. It is one of my favorite little programs.
Now I am going to be scouring Google Earth trying to find other undiscovered phenomena, like my long-theorized grazing habits of people.
I love technology. Always and Forever.
OK, but really, this is all a bit of baloney. I mean, did the "researchers" really look at all the cattle in the world? And don't they just tend to graze based upon other such factors as wind direction and the light/heat of the sun?
If it is true, is this because of a magnetic sensibility in the cows? Or a constant desire to be perpendicular to the path of the Sun?
Or is it rather the vestigal habits to move north-south such as migratory birds, that has been hampered by husbandry and "pastureization"?
And on second thought, haven't we known for centuries that birds go north and south? What's the BFD?
But probably the most likely scenario is that a race of alien overlords has implanted a microscopic positioning device in all of our cattle, doubtless gathering information for an eventual world domination.
I can imagine this race of alien overlords also looking down from a multidimensional microscope and chuckling amongst themselves: "Look at these pitiful humans! They all go about grazing only in the third dimension! Don't they realize this? And they think these cattle have issues!"
The moral of all of this is to step back, zoom out--look at your own life. Examine it. The unexamined life is not worth living. Forget about your "goals." Forget about what you think you know. What if you spend your whole life moving north and south! You have practically 358 degrees (360 minus 2 for north and south) of mobility and you are only going north and south. Think outside the box. You may think I mean this metaphorically, or as some sort of life lesson, but no--I literally mean, you should start to examine your grazing habits! Mix it up a bit...go east, west, northwest, etc. Also, don't develop a herd mentality. You don't need to go the same direction as some one else. For example, I've noticed that when I am on the highway, everyone goes the same way. This is exactly the kind of mind-numbing groupthink that I am talking about!

The First Post--no, scratch that, it's The Zeroth Post

2008-09-08T17:43:00.000-04:00

"First Post" doesn't seem quite right, because this post isn't much of a post at all, but rather an obligatory introduction to my new blog. Therefore, I have glossed this post as my zeroth (0th). So, in a sense, it is not really a post at all, because zero is nothing. Er, or should that read zero isn't anything? No matter. I think I need to let my blog develop and grow a bit before I get into deep metaphysical concepts and advanced double negatives.

My motivations for creating this blog are many, and I will list them in order of intensity: peer pressure, guilt, fear, love and a little bit of vanity.

Oh, btw, my name is Joel. If you don't know me, why are you reading my blog?

Hmmm. What to blog about? Do you want to know what I'm doing right now? Here's a list. I've heard people like to read lists.

I'm watching the US Open Final between Federer and Murray.
I'm sitting in a brown recliner chair in a family room in a house at 5201 NW 17th Circle, in the city of Camas, in the zipcode 98607, in the county Clark, in the state of Washington, in the United States of America, which is a country in the North American continent, which straddles the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans in the northern and western hemispheres of the planet Earth, which rotates around a big yellow star called the Sun, being the third major planet in distance from said Sun, which entire star system is a speck in a pinwheel of stars called the Milky Way, which also is the name of a candy bar.
I'm twirling my bangs. It's a bad habit.
It's a sunny day, measuring 83.3 degrees on the Fahrenheit scale.
I'm wearing green cargo shirts, a white T-shirt which appropriately advertises the "Davis Invitational", with a picture of a girl hitting a tennis ball.

Ok. I will now attempt to describe my physical appearance, as I percieve it. For fun, you can compare it with the pictures of me included on this site. I will begin at the uppermost reaches of my body, and then laboriously and piously work my way down to the nethermost regions. At the lofty summit, a bushy expanse of mahogany-hued hair majestically blankets a squattish head, tapering off both to the east and west in meticulously well-kept sideburns, and to the posterior in terraced slopes, ending just above the neck. The skull is best described as belonging to the species Homo Sapiens, although slight traces of Homo Erectus can be seen by the trained eye. This is of course characterized by a roundish upper dome which encases the mighty central processing unit, which in the common speech is known as the brain. The nose is slightly larger, relative to the mean, and is due to a mixture of Hebrew and Central/Eastern European origins. It could therefore be appropiately referred to as a "schnozz." Two gaping holes are punched in the portion of the nose which juts foremost out away from the face, much like a rock overhang on a mountainside. Directly above and on either side of the schnozz lies the entire Visual Apparatus; two haunting, matching mahogany eyes showcase this apparatus, garnished by equally hued brows and lashes. The eyes must be augmented artificially by slim pieces of plastic which suction themselves onto the iris of each eye. Moving below the nose, we pass by a brief portion of the epidermis above the mouth known as the upper lip/mustache area. Much like the cheeks and chin, this area is perpetually growing obstinate whiskers, which if shaved every day at 6:45 a.m., will still be in shadow by mid-day. The mouth glitters with a porcelain set of corrected teeth, forever lacking four errant teeth which stood in the way of society's vain expectations of the adult smile. Rouge lips line the circumference of this mouth, and a delightfully slick tongue patrols the interior and assists in the formings of sibilants and plosives. Oh, no, I have not forgotten the ears. How could I adequately describe such twin tributes devoted to the blessed pursuit of auditory input, except to say that they perhaps have performed their duty the most flawlesslessly of any other? The whole of the head contours in a stunning climax at the chinny-chin-chin. Below the head exists a barren neck, notable only for its birth mark oasis which curiosly resembles a pretty mean hickey. It must be now mentioned that the same-colored hue of hair crops up again in many places across the body, beautifying what would otherwise be a pasty blandness. This first occurs on the chestal area, which I now mention. The stomach is liberally mixed with muscle and fat; this extends into the hip area. Our Puritanical standards here limit much of merit which could be discussed, so I will reluctantly proceed to the mighty legs which support the whole upper structure of the body. On the left leg, on the backside of the knee I would be rash to not mention a certain keloid which appeared during my formative years following an unfortunate razor incident. Finally, at the base of this mountain of a man--two feet replete with ten impractical but stylish toes. In total, I measure five foot eleven inches, and weigh one hundred sixty pounds.

I think that is enough for a 0th post. Stay tuned for my first post!